Way back in 2004, I had a conversation with my mom and dad about their estate plan and related documents. I encouraged them to seek legal advice to be sure their affairs were in order. Recently, my dad recognized that much has changed since then; he asked for my help in revising their plan. I’m pleased to say this work has been completed and we are all resting a bit easier! 

Although we were discussing serious topics, as usual, the three of us found ways to laugh. As one conversation led to another, lots of stories were told and I learned things about their early relationship and members of our family that I had not known before. 

The first thing we did was find an attorney admitted to the bar in both Florida (their permanent residence) and Rhode Island (where they also own property). 

Here is what we updated for each of them: 

Designation of Health Care Surrogate/Health Care Proxy

This appoints an individual to make healthcare-related decisions in the event you can no longer make them yourself.

Living Will

This is a written guide to end-of-life wishes, including decisions about life-sustaining medical treatment. It guides your health care proxy to make decisions with your goals in mind.

Durable Power of Attorney

This authorizes an individual to manage your financial and legal affairs, including allowing them to make decisions on your behalf in the event you can no longer make them yourself. 

Will

This names a personal representative and directs how your assets will be distributed after your death.

Family Trust

This is a legal arrangement that holds and manages assets for the benefit of family members, according to terms you establish.

A Broad Range of Topics

As my parents and I went through the process, many essential topics/questions arose, several of which we had not anticipated. Here are some of them:

What happens if Dianne predeceases us?

Because I have no siblings and no children, my parents had to think about individuals outside of our nuclear family. This led to a discussion of how they felt about everyone in our family who is still living. They were quite candid and I learned some things I had never known before, including conflicts in the past among family members. Of course, we wanted to avoid that. 

What happens to their personal property?

Do young people even want china, crystal, and silverware? 

If I give this to Sue, what do I give to John, so it is even?

I haven’t seen Mary in years. Do I still want to leave this to her?

Dianne, don’t you want everything?

What funeral arrangements do they prefer?

What happens if we die in Florida? How do you get us back here and how much does it cost?

Mom: Make sure you don’t have an open casket for me. I don’t want a wake; I just want to be at church for a mass and then go to the cemetery. You can take people to lunch after if you want.

Dad: I want an open casket, so everyone can see how good I look! And I want everything: a wake, a funeral, another short service at the cemetery, and a big party. But I don’t want to plan any of it. I’ve planned enough of them between my parents and all my aunts and uncles.

What burial arrangements do they prefer?

Mom: The Veteran’s Cemetery, because I want to be near my four brothers who were all Marines.

Dad: I don’t know why I agreed to that. Your brothers always gave me a hard time because I was in the army, not the Marines!

Conversation Recommendations

Many of these conversations can be difficult, especially regarding end-of-life medical care and finances. The two topics often collide because care, depending on how much of it you require, costs money.

An excellent starting point is The Conversation Project’s Conversation Starter Guide. The Conversation Project was founded by Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Ellen Goodman in collaboration with the Institute for Healthcare Improvement (IHI). 

When I first met Ellen, I was so moved by her personal experience caring for her mother who had Alzheimer’s disease, and how it compelled her to launch a nonprofit to encourage open, honest conversations about end-of-life care wishes. Her goal (and mine, too) is to ensure such wishes are articulated and respected. 

Here are some “conversation starter” recommendations, using my parents as examples.

I need you to help with something. 

Framed in this way, I knew my parents would do anything to help me.

Can we have a conversation about finances? I know you’ve done an amazing job saving money, but I also know it may cost money to care for you as you age. 

At 90 and 91, and still living independently, my parents never thought about needing care that would cost money. So this topic was challenging, especially when I shared what the costs could be.

Bob and I have been working on our Estate Plan, so I have some peace of mind about the topic. It got me thinking about yours, and how it may need to be updated. Would you be open to doing that and can I help you with it?

As I mentioned previously, it was my dad who brought up the need for a reassessment. For other families, this may be an effective way to begin to discuss the topic with parents, and even adult children who have children of their own.

Do you remember when your parents and your aunts and uncles died? Services went on for days and days. Do you want that for yourself?

Having grown up in a large Italian family with many great aunts and uncles, I vividly remember all the traditions that were followed — yet made little sense to me as a child. My parents have evolved on the topic, but certain traditions are sacred to them. I wanted to know exactly what these were, so I can abide by their wishes. 

I was thinking about what matters most to me through the end of my life. Two things came to mind: I do not want to suffer and I want to have as much control as possible over the process. Do you know what matters most to you?

This may be the most difficult topic of all. So much so that it may need to occur in steps, over time. Mom’s first reaction was “Why are we talking about this?” But the more we talked about other family members, the more comfortable she became with articulating the things that matter most to her.

Summary

Decisions made today might change next month, next year, or, as in my parents’ case, more than 20 years in the future. 

Whenever these topics reemerge, they can be fraught with emotion. So I suggest you approach them with a sense of curiosity, fully prepared to listen closely. Most people love to reminisce and share stories. Creating an atmosphere where that is encouraged may be the best way to get started. 

“Patience is a Virtue” is an expression that comes to mind and, if employed, will eventually bring you peace of mind.